Becoming
What a wacky week. On one hand, the rapid cycling and slow-motion despair dragged me into a “What’s the Use?” thought loop that quickly spiraled into suicidal ideation. On the other hand, I was this...
View ArticleHoliday Survival Tactics
I don’t like holidays. I would rather scratch them all from my calendar. I understand that the weary working need and savor this break, but they only make me sick. The YMCA closes, my coffee shops...
View ArticleThe Path Always Followed
I have a confession. It’s not easy for me to admit this. But, it’s time to face facts. Bipolar Disorder has turned me into a Coot. I never thought it would happen. I expected to be easy-going and...
View ArticleThe Plan
Our YWCA is closed this week for its annual scrub and tune-up. This year they’re refinishing all the pools, so we won’t be back in the water until August 20. Since I get a little squirrelly on...
View ArticleFailure, Seeds & Tidal Waves
I woke up this morning contemplating failure. I knew last week would be rough. When the Y closes for cleaning each summer, my whole schedule gets disrupted, but I planned around it the best I could....
View ArticleScooping the Loop in Bipolar Town
Life is a series of natural and spontaneous changes. Don’t resist them; that only creates sorrow. Let reality be reality. Let things flow naturally forward in whatever way they like. —Lao Tzu = = =...
View ArticleDebt and Agitation
I lost my mind for a little while this morning. I’ve been struggling to hold my compulsive behaviors at bay, which is like telling the ocean to be still. When the bipolar tide comes in, there’s no...
View ArticleChristmas Unplugged
Phew! Well, that’s over. Unplugging from Christmas felt a little like traveling through a foreign country. After 55 years of doing Christmas, undoing it was just weird. I was able to see how much...
View ArticleGetting Better
I stood at my kitchen window yesterday, watching the morning come. Prickly, my brain hot and sore, vague urges and angers surfaced in bubbles to pop, causing an instant of relief and splatter like a...
View ArticleHysteria in Aisle Two
I woke up yesterday frantic, bolted out of bed and grabbed up my journal. Something had to be done. I needed a plan. The day before I’d stepped on the scale at the Y. Twenty pounds had crept back...
View ArticleSeason of Change
This is sort of a big week. Wednesday will be my last Support Group session. Thursday, my mom returns home from the nursing home. Big changes. And change is always a little dangerous for anyone...
View ArticleFocus on Gratitude: Day 1
Dealing with my second bout of bronchitis this autumn, I didn’t have much else to talk to my therapist about yesterday. I was in basic survival mode—fluids, rest, Robitussin—and not thinking much...
View ArticleThe Beagle and the Teacup
I’m breaking one of my Golden Rules by not telling you how crazy I am at the moment. Honesty. That’s what I pledged. So, okay. I went to a presentation today about some of the new programs rolling out...
View ArticleWatch Me Pull a Rabbit Outta the Hat
I really don’t think anyone else is interested in my financial prestidigitations. I’m just opting for transparency. Since compulsive behavior is part of my bipolar kit, I need to open it up for...
View ArticleMaking It Real
Back in October when I took the first week of Peer Support training, I applied to my sister’s P.E.O. chapter for financial assistance. The ladies who interviewed me were lovely—kind, supportive, sure...
View ArticleI Am Breathing Me
This is a lot. Sitting with my mom as she died; supporting my sister as executor of Mom’s affairs; preparing to return to a professional form of work; preparing to go to England for the first time;...
View ArticleIs This Grief?
Up at 2:30 this morning, awake but toting sludge for brains. Is this grief? Yesterday I felt proud that I could stand with my family and greet everyone that came to Mom’s visitation. Two and a half...
View Article“The Storm is Up, And All is on the Hazard”
There’s a kind of frenzy that happens after a death in the family. There’s a sea-change during the rush of funeral arrangements. Details drag at the ankles, family and well-wishers swarm, then dart...
View ArticleSugar Pie
New Month. New Day. New Breath. Feeling so grateful for my Sister in Charge, who is performing her Trustee duties with grace and diligence. As the stress starts to weigh heavier, and I paddle faster...
View ArticleIn The Trenches
The last time I had this much change, pressure, and emotional hoo-haw in my life I ended up getting electroshock. That was then, as they say. This is now. Yesterday I started my job as a Peer Support...
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